Archive for January, 2004


So just sitting here thinking about life in general. I keep trying to figure out why I feel so apathetic all the time. In all reality things are pretty good for me. I have good friends, my life is pretty comfortable. I really don’t have much to complain about, but I manage to find a way to do it anyway. I didn’t use to be like this, and I would like to go back to how I was pre-Zoe. I’m hoping the changes I’m planning on making over the next little while will be effective in returning me to that state. I’m planning on doing daily meditations again, getting my head reorganized.
I realize that a lot of my behavior and thought for the negativity in my life was created during the time Zoe and I dated. We both made a mistake and stayed together much longer than we should have. Her thought and behavior patterns were very negative. As a result of spending so much time with her I absorbed a lot of that outlook.
My daily practices were much different than they are now as well. I figure if I get myself back to my previous lifestyle, my attitude will change accordingly. Unfortunately I work a lot, so I can’t quite get 100% back to the way things were, but i can return a healthy portion of my habits. Unfortunately, this probably means I won’t be available for chat quite as much as I have been. That won’t be too bad though, anybody will still be able to contact me through e-mail and my forum, and I’ll be chatting a little.
So hopefully this little plan of mine will work, then I can stop being so damned whiny and get on with my life. Wish me luck. You’ll know it’s working when i stop posting whiny crap like i have been since i started this journal 🙂
I also wanted to just say thanks to everybody that’s been there for me, especially when I’m being an incessant whiner. I know it gets annoying to have to hear about petty little problems all the time, so thanks for listening even when it was irritating 🙂 It hurts me to know that when I leave here to move to California I will be leaving you all behind. I love all of my friends and I am going to miss them very much. I know I’ll make new friends, but I doubt I’ll ever find anyone like the friends I already have. I’ll try not to lose you along the way, as long as you do the same 🙂


Wishing my heart away


sinking slowly into myself
darkness consuming my thought
despair chewing a hollow inside
wishing, waiting, for the end
my heart is heavy
Ma’at consume me